I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I need to sanitize my soul.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Randomize
