just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
