At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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