I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
