Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
