I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
