the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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