Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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