It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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