You smell like a Billy Joel song
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
