someone owes me an orgasm
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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