My boss' voice literally gives me gas
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
