I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Randomize
