You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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