Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
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