You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Randomize
