apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
