babies were throwing up all over the place
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
