Whod you bang
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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