Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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