I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
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