I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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