the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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