I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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