Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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