Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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