I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
