I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
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