3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
