Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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