Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
