Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
