i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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