I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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