i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
