If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
