guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys
wow, that really makes you stop and think.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
