you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
