a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
