Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize