Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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