I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
