She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
