Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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