why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
She bit a glass in half.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Randomize
