My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
