She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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