i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Randomize
