my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
