Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
