life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
