his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
