remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
