Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Randomize
