What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
