yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize