i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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