I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
