she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
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