Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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